NOTHIN’ PICKS YOU UP LIKE A PLANE


Air travel to become safer, more naked NEW YORK.

World airport authorities have announced a slate of all-new anti-terror measures that experts suggest have been designed to make air travel even more tedious and awful than was previously thought possible. In the wake of the notorious underpants bomber’s attempt to blow up a transatlantic flight, passengers going through major international airports face new security measures including full body scans, pat-downs and light genital groping. But according to Transportation Security Administration Chief Johnny Paranoiack, this is only the beginning. “When we found out that a terrorist cell was trying to figure out a liquid bomb, we banned liquids. When the shoe bomber was foiled, we made passengers scan their shoes separately. The underpants bomber’s explosive package hidden in his package means, simply, that we’re banning underpants. And all other clothing.” Paranoiack explained that new TSA regulations will require passengers to strip naked for flights. Fashionable plastic loincloths sporting airline logos will be issued on request, subject to availability. Unfortunately, Paranoiack says, even this extreme measure is still no guarantee of safety. “Terrorists are sneaky. Who knows what diabolical ways they’re already devising in their basement lairs on their secret island headquarters to get around the naked regulation? Adamantium claws? Explosive breast implants? Rectal-cannons? We just can’t take that risk.” But the new security measures aren’t limited to check-in. Passengers will be expected to remain naked throughout the flight and will be chained to their seats, now modified with self-contained potties. As Paranoiack explains, “In-flight toilets don’t just breed disgusting germs, they breed terrorist activity.” Airline meals are also being reinvented for the new era of air safety. Paranoiack said, “No longer will passengers be issued with plastic forks and knives, which could be used to slit someone’s throat if you spent an hour sawing at it and the victim kept very, very still. “We’re freeing passengers from fear and hunger pangs by introducing the all-hours communal feeding trough. Passengers will be able to chow down at the trough at any time, so long as they keep their hands cuffed behind their backs.” Because, as Paranoiack explains, “In-flight meals don’t just breed disgusting roaches, they breed terrorist activity!” But independent security analyst, Jessica Hedgebet, believes that many of the new measures not only violate personal privacy and basic human rights, but are also completely ineffective at a cost of millions. During the press conference, she raised the question, “How is that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the underpants bomber, was even able to board the American Airlines flight when he was on the TSA’s list of known terrorists?” But if she hoped her question about the bomber with the explosive jocks would have the TSA officials pooping in theirs, Paranoiack was quick to counter. “This has never been about stopping terrorists,” he scoffed, “That’s just ridiculous. The TSA is committed to the show of safety. It’s obvious we just weren’t being showy enough. We hope these new measures will make air travel so unpleasant that not even terrorists will want to fly.”

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