DIE CHIMP VAN ZIMB


Mugabe to appoint new war veterans as real ones are all dead HARARE. Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe will confer official war veteran status on 500,000 teenaged boys this weekend as part of his 85th birthday celebrations, after it emerged that the last genuine veteran of the liberation war died of cholera this morning. The new war veterans will be tasked with “rebuilding Zimbabwe by hitting MDC pigs with half-bricks”. The current life expectancy in Zimbabwe is 41, and given that the country’s liberation war ended in 1980, the only surviving genuine veterans would have to have enlisted at the age of 12. According to the country’s national archives, currently housed in a chest freezer in a field outside Harare, the youngest recruit was Twinkie Matumbara, 13, who was sold to the Zanu armed forced by his parents who wanted their son to see the world and thought the militia was a traveling circus. Matumbara reportedly passed away in 2006 after choking on a mouse he had caught and boiled, his first solid food in more than four months. However other veterans were luckier. Field Marshall Brooklax Chaturanga, who commanded the 14th Light Mounted Poltroons between 1978 and 1980, had just celebrated his 104th birthday last month when a family member stepped on his oxygen tube and he passed away. In a small ceremony, at which packs of feral dogs were shooed away from the gravesite and vultures were kept at bay with parasols, well-wishers remembered a hero and patriot who attributed his long life to clean living, dedication to his country, and having all of his medical expenses since 1994 paid by South African taxpayers. Chaturanga was believed to have been the last surviving genuine veteran, but new evidence emerged this week that Banjo Hungwe, 48, had once thrown a spade at colonial forces, making him officially the only veteran still alive. However two days after the discovery Hungwe contracted cholera and passed away. A saddened Mugabe said this morning that his veterans would be sorely missed, especially now that he would have to stop eating nightingale tongues long enough to go out and find some more people who could hit his opponents with half-bricks. “The war is over but the battle continues,” said Mugabe, dabbing merlot off his chin. “The British homosexuals are everywhere. And as Zimbabwean science has shown, there is only one cure for Britishness and homosexuality: a half-brick to the face.” He said he had tasked his aides with finding 500,000 teenaged boys who would be given official war veteran status and who could be “handed the half-brick of destiny, to totally mash up the heads of the imperialist dogs”. However aides who did not wish to be named confirmed this morning that they are struggling to find 500,000 teenaged boys healthy enough to pick up a half-brick. “All the ones who are strong enough to walk or crawl are in South Africa,” said one. “It’s very disappointing that they can’t make an effort for the man who has saved Zimbabwe. We just hope it doesn’t spoil Comrade Mugabe’s birthday. “People can be so selfish.”

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