Malema Turns Medical Science on Its Head LONDON – African National Congress Youth League (ANCYL) president, Julius Malema, has turned the world of medical science upside down. Malema has forced doctors and medical scientists back to the drawing board in the wake of his revolutionary discovery that medical conditions without a Pedi name, do not exist. Malema made his discovery after becoming embroiled in the saga surrounding South African athlete Caster Semenya. In defending Leonard Chuene, self-confessed liar and president of Athletics South Africa, Malema remarked that the term ‘hermaphrodite’ had no Pedi equivalent, and therefore he did not recognize the existence of the condition. This prompted medical scientists to examine the literature for other conditions that had no Pedi name. The discovery has affected biological science at its most basic level after it was discovered that deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, had no Pedi counterpart. “We were flummoxed,” said Professor Mark Barnard, Dean of Research at Cambridge University’s Medical School. “We’re at a complete loss to explain so many things now. We’re not even quite sure why DNA testing works either. We’re just calling it the Malema Phenomenon.” The Malema Phenomenon, which Prof. Barnard defines as “that mysterious essence and law of truth unto which all the other laws of life are beholden”, has now been used to explain numerous other medical anomalies previously thought to be bona fide conditions. “There are so many mental conditions that have simply vanished. We’re naming them Malemantal Conditions to distinguish them from the other Pedi-verified mental conditions,” said Prof Barnard. Researchers at the University of Pretoria have also been quick to re-examine conventional medical thought following Malema’s revelation. Dr Janus Liebenberg, of the university’s Microbiology Research Unit, stated that preliminary research indicated that viruses and bacteria do not have Pedi equivalents. “We’re not quite sure what we’ve been looking at through our microscopes,” said Dr Liebenberg, “but we’ve decided to call them Malematjies until we figure it out.” the sjambok secured a brief and exclusive interview with Sir Martin J. Evans, Nobel Prize winner for Medicine in 2007, who when asked about Malema’s discovery, stated that “I am in awe of this man [Malema] whose intellect shall be an object of marvel for generations to come. Not just within the medical fraternity, but by all men who yearn to understand the limits of human intelligence.” Although the sjambok attempted to interview Malema for his comments, our request for an interview was rejected by Malema on the basis that he did not recognize the online media since, as there was no Pedi word for ‘Internet’, an online publication could not exist. – The Nuisance Parameter 


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